29.1.11
Well after a few days of uncomfortable communication with my partner,I woke up to something thinking about things morning. I had been quiet with not a lot to talk about, not in a mood nor could sense anything going on just not a lot to talk about, this caused some conflict within myself as I wanted to talk to him and also conflict between us as he thought I was in a mood and not talking to him. I had same fears come up and I expressed them but still did not make things much better. I was thinking after our conversation last night “why is it I go into victim mode when I talk with him?” It seems that is what I do, go into victim.
I have something to talk about, we talk, I go into victim mode, then he says nice things and I pick up. Well, I no longer want that. It is not up to him to pick me up or make me feel better, loved or appreciated. It is not up to him to make me feel good, or good enough, for no matter how many times he may say I am good enough, that he loves me, etc, I still wasn’t believing him, well I wanted to believe him. I read in a book that this behaviour was a fear of commitment. I was thinking this morning that I was committed I was talking to him telling him what was going on, then I realised that I wasn’t committed to myself.
I had let him talk to me in a manner, and say things that were hurtful, I allowed this to happen because he says he loves me, I allowed it because I thought it must be me, my perceptions, my not good enough program running again, then more thoughts and memories. I remembered him saying that if he says or does something that is hurtful he would like to know as it is not his intention and he would like to change how he is relating to me. I thought that I have a right to be spoken to nicely and to speak up if I feel I am not being treated that way. I thought that hey, this is a relationship between TWO people and he is learning also how to relate in a better more appropriate way. All cool, ok I feel better now.
I also remember when lying in bed that I was thinking of how my subconscious program really has a hold on me, I would like to know the trick to getting unstuck. But wait, the next thought, I see my ego is holding me there wanting me to believe that I am stuck that I have something wrong with me that I am crazy and have a mental illness, that no matter how hard I try I can’t get past this issue, no matter how much work I do on myself, I am really not good enough and undeserving. AMAZING, I figured it out. It is belief that my subconscious is running the show, aha I’ve caught onto your trick.
Then with all these realizations I still went through insecurity issues because my partner hadn’t rang yet, I had all sort of thoughts come up, all sort of monsters wanting me to believe their story, then I did something real easy, I CHOOSE not to listen, I CHOOSE to believe he loves me, I CHOOSE to believe I am good enough, I am worthy, I love and honour myself, I CHOOSE to be happy and went about my business in a happy manner. My mood not affected by if he rang me or not, I went into the feeling of happy, and love and had this beautiful feelings of love for him come up inside me, a really nice feeling.
I have heard that it is as simple as making a choice. Although I was making positive choices, Abraham Hicks talks about make another choice but for once it was nice to experience it this morning and seems like I got it now.
Robyn