Now here’s an interesting subject which I am sure will challenge some of you, it certainly challenged me for a while until I sat with it and processed the information I found about this interesting topic.
Now the theory goes like this, up until you are engaged to marry a man, you are single, you both are. Therefore you are free to see (date) as many guys or girls as you like at the same time in your quest to find Mr or Miss Right. Yes that’s right, date at the same time.
Goes against some of what we have been told and how we have been brought up, but back in my mothers and grandmothers generation this is what they did. I have read and heard stories of women that were dating a few guys at once and when their husbands proposed to them they had to send Dear John letters out to the other guys and cancel all up coming dates that were lined up. Interesting isn’t it.
When I say date, I mean go out with on dates with different guys, go to movies, lunch, dinner, etc. I’m not suggesting sleeping with all these guys in fact my opinion on this is if you are going to sleep with any of them make a agreement to be sexually exclusive to only one guy and he be sexually exclusive to you also. I would also suggest to make boundaries for yourself and know how far you will go with a guy, how far will you go on the first date, how soon do you want to sleep with them. Think about this and have those answers within you and trust yourself in sticking to your boundaries, you will have more confidence when you know what your boundaries are. Think about if you will kiss on a first date, will you drive to him or only go out with him if he picks you up. Know your worth, know what you will and wont accept here, what are your rules, you are in charge or your rules and what is good for you. Think about them, set them and stick to them. I read somewhere “you don’t have to trust a guy, you have to trust yourself”. I’m talking here about your boundaries, trust with a guy develops over time.
How many guys should you date at once, you may ask, well I would go with say 3, more if you can fit it in your schedule. Here’s why.
I know you maybe feeling anxious right now, how could I do that, what if they find out, what if the guy I really like gets angry and never speaks to me again. Yes they will probably get angry and get huffy with you but you know that this shows you he cares about you. Don’t let it bother you and say that it feels right for you at the moment to keep your options open. Now lets look at what happens when you do this, first it adds to the challenge. Guys like challenge and will work harder in winning you. The price goes up. You are in demand so naturally your price goes up and you are up for the highest bidder. It creates competition and what guy doesn’t like a bit of that. He knows he has to step up and show you what he is made of.
Where’s the challenge, its in your time available, you are seeing say 3 guys, your dairy gets pretty full, you are not just available any time he wants to see you, he has to get in first if he wants to spend time with you, its challenging too as he needs to really show himself and you what he is capable of, if he is interested and wants to win you, he will work hard to do that.
Now what does it do for you, here is where it gets real interesting. Firstly it stops all the pinning after one guy, you know the usual story you are seeing one guy, interested in one guy, you spend so much energy wondering if he’s thinking of you, your thinking of him, wondering if he is going to call, why isn’t he calling, you pine for him, you get angry he’s not doing things or showing up like you expect him to or want him to. What would happen if there was 3 guys, would it matter if one didn’t ring you back, would it matter if one didn’t show up for the date, I think not, why, because you still have another two in the race, correct. Now you could wait around to see if the other guy does eventually contact you or you could replace him and start dating another one in his spot.
Another way this benefits you, is the fact that we can only heal our relationship baggage and issues while in relationship.
Normally we meet a guy, we go out a couple of times, next thing we are in a relationship with him, we are boyfriend and girlfriend, partners, and we are together in a monogamous relationship both of us working out if this person we are with is the ONE, working through our stuff. This goes on a couple of weeks, months maybe even years and then we decide hey, this person is not what I’m looking for and now you have to start all over again and if you haven’t addressed some of the issues you have been carrying around you will attract the same sort of person and off we go again.
Its a long process, now dating 3 or more guys at once, not entering a relationship, not being a girlfriend, you can fast track the process, you can use each and every guy that you date as a teacher in what it is in you that you are attracting to yourself, to look at your patterns and beliefs around men and relationships. Look for the lesson each guy brings to you, they will be bringing something to you either they are mirroring something in you that you are judging about yourself and haven’t accepted yet, or they are reflecting something in you that you still need to heal. You can look at the type of guy you are attracting to see if you are attracting what you want or you still have some work to do on yourself to bring up your vibration and attract better quality men. Its a lot faster process than doing it the way we class as “normal”.
Its also fun and gives you a chance to see what you do and don’t like in men, its an opportunity to work out exactly what it is you are looking for, to re-define your list, to get more specific. You can use all these dates to practice being feminine and allowing of the guy to do for you, practice receiving from a guy, practice letting go of control.
I’ll share a story with you, this happened to me recently. I was seeing a guy, we meet, and very quickly we were in a relationship and he was staying most nights at my place. One thing I have noticed with all guys I have met and got into relationships with is that they all have decided very quickly within the first couple of days that they want to marry me and spend the rest of their lives with me, this used to really bother me as I wanted to take things slow and be courted. I now know why they moved themselves in very quickly and that is that they had decided that I was the One and here they were. I have also come to recognise that hey, if all these guys saw something of value in me very quickly then I must be alright, I must have something going for me and now take it a a compliment. It was when in a relationship is where things started to crumble for me and I couldn’t seem to hold it (the relationship) together. This is another article, so look out for that one.
Anyway back to my story, I met this guy, he decided he wanted to preety much move in and here we were in a relationship, what I thought was a monogamous relationship. Every thing was going ok, we faced some challenges but in general things were going good. Then I found he was going online on dating websites and flirting with other girls, he was also ringing and sexting with others. Well that was the end of that, he was cheating, good bye to you I said. Well during the next couple of weeks my anger subsided and I then started to look at it from his point of view, looked at what were his needs here. We made contact again and spoke about this and he had needs that he said he felt he couldn’t express or ask me about, so anyway we sorted that out and we decided to give it another go, again he stayed most nights and it didn’t go that well, I was so suspicious and mistrusting of him that things just didn’t flow, it was horrible, I felt horrible, he felt horrible and it didn’t last very long. The amount of time he spent here became less and less. Now here I am still wanting to learn and grow from this and we are still in contact and see each other maybe once a week if that, this has really made me look at my issues around insecurity and jealousy big time. I had to let go, really let go and come to terms that hey, he might be still talking and sexting those other women. I had to be confident in myself and feel my insecurity and jealousy and love those feelings in me and still be ok with what might be happening. I had to let it go and become present to him when he showed up to me, knowing he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to. Knowing we are both still single and searching for the one.
I remember him saying to me when I first found out about what he was doing, he said and I must admit I’ve heard it before but never really got it. He said “if I wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else, I wouldn’t be here”.
That stuck with me and I processed that and have come to terms that, that is the truth, a guy is simple, they say it as it is. When we were giving it another go towards the end I started to let go and say to myself hey, ok he might still be talking to the other girls but he is here with me every night and we are together most of the time when he is not at work, so he didn’t have any time any way to see any one else. I really had to let go. I become confident in that. Now going on the information above about us dating more than one guy at once in the process in finding our Mr Right then its only fair that the men can and probably will be seeing other women too, while they search for the one. So your insecurity, jealous and trust issues are going to be tested and what a great why to heal them and become confident in your self and know your self worth than that. It has worked for me and I feel so much better and so much more worthy that I did before which will attract better guys and different experiences to me now that I have learnt the lesson he brought me.
I haven’t heard from him a while now and that’s ok, I’m not pinning for him or angry or even concerned he hasn’t rang for a while, I know if he wants to see me again he will call and if he does I will be present and enjoy the experience and as well as being curious to see what it is he is bringing to me this time, maybe I have more to learn.
I know I have said in another article that when a guy decides you are the one that he will not go anywhere else, he will not see other women in the same way and will not be interested in pursuing them, yet above I stated that this guy from the very start had decided that I was the one and yet later on down the track he was flirting with other women. The way I see it is, yes in the start everything was all good and it was when in relationship things weren’t as good, I mentioned I couldn’t seem to hold it (the relationship) together, this is where I changed from the person he met to someone totally different and I wasn’t being that feminine around him, allowing him to open up to me, I wasn’t opening to him either, I was going along as I always did in all my previous relationships.
Have fun with this. Give it a try for a month or two and see what results you get.
These articles are based on my learnings, my experiences, my thoughts and my processing. They are part of my journey.
Information around dating more than one guy at a time came from Rori Raye’s book “Have The Relationship You Want” and some of her courses I have purchased. It’s an interesting concept and I have not as yet tried it.
Robyn Lemsing
17th July 2014