Over the past 10 years I have searched and looked for ways to help me and my kids out of this dark place we were in. It was a deep dark hole and I needed help, I need a way out, I needed some relief from the depression, the feelings of hopelessness, of not good enough and of a failure. I found a few tools that have helped me but the one that has helped me the most is me having to take a really good look at myself, I had to really look in the mirror. I had to get to know myself and not only that, I had to take that further and accept, forgive and even love myself, even the parts of myself that I wanted to deny.
The first thing I had to accept about myself was…
After leaving my ex-husband I was all alone with these two little children aged 3 and 6, I was really not coping well at all. I was angry, I didn’t know how to deal with all this at once, the separation, being a single mum, living in crisis accommodation, no family or friends for support, no money, it was a lot all at once. I knew I left because of the violence and drama and all the yelling and I just wanted peace, I wanted my kids to be away from all that, I wanted them to experience love and joy and not all this pain. Yet here I was taking my hurt, pain, confusion out on them. I found myself yelling at them, I found myself not being able to deal with two little ones while I was going through all this and was a complete mess. I needed to be alone, to sort it all out, time to think and process but was not given that time and space and was thrown into full time care of two little children that were going through their own stuff, their own confusion and pain. It was a horrible time and although I wish I could be there for them in the way they needed I was this angry person that was inflicting more pain onto them than they needed. I remember saying to myself that I am just as bad as him, I was no better, I would beat myself up both physically and mentally over this. I did not want to be like him. Even though I could see I was like him, I did not want to accept it.
But I had to.
It wasn’t until a year or so passed and I was still no better at coping with it all. I still had no answers, I still found myself at times being this horrible mother and person to my kids. It broke my heart, I felt so sorry for them being with me when I couldn’t do any better, I felt hopeless, I felt fake, a fraud, I felt worthless and undeserving of these two beautiful kids that deserved so much more.
Things in our house seemed to be getting worse as now the kids were taking their anger out on me too, they would hit me and yell at me, they would throw things at me at times too. I don’t blame them because I did this as well, I would not throw things at them but I did throw things around the house when I was at breaking point, Sure there were times when things were going ok, there was peace and happiness and family fun, but overall to me it was not where I wanted things to be and I knew I had to get better, I had to improve, I had to change, I needed to be a better mum for these kids.
I was living in fear as well, I thought the kids would be taken from me as I really saw myself as a horrible monster mother and they deserved so much more. I felt I couldn’t reach out and talk to anyone because I thought I would be reported and have the kids taken from me even though at times I thought of giving them up to foster care, thinking they would be better off with someone else.
Finally I found the solution.
It was when I came across this guy, Perry Mardon in Byron Bay, that things started to turn around for us. What Perry teaches is that we are all made up of different parts, called sub-personalities and each one of these sub-personalities has its own beliefs, desires and behaviour. I take this as putting on different masks or a costume to play a part in a play. It is much the same. So with going further into Perrys work I learnt that everyone in our lives are mirrors of ourselves. What? You may ask.
Well it is true, the people in our lives are mirrors of ourselves. Each and every person we have contact with reflets us back to ourselves in some way. It could be the good things we like about ourselves and it could be the dark sides we would rather not see. I learnt that what my ex-husband and now my kids were showing me was this deep dark violent part of me that I did see but would not accept about myself. I knew it was there but refused to accept it. I did not want to accept I was this bad horrible violent person. But you know what? Nothing changed until I did. I remember the day well. It was a horrible stressful day in our house, I wasn’t handling things well at all and got to breaking point were I always go to my room and shut the door and hit myself, cry and just lay there on my bed until I calm down enough to come out and try and settle things and bring peace back into our house and family.
What happened then.
I was lying there this day and thinking, reflecting on what Perry was teaching me. I knew I had to accept I was this horrible person. I spent time looking inside myself, looking at this part of me that had been acting out, learning what it was trying to say to me, learning why it acted like the way it did. I found that it just needed to be heard and understood. It had been trying to protect me from being hurt and would lash out in defense to protect me from others. I learnt that I had been ignoring this part of me for a very long time and most likely my whole life up to that point and just like anyone else when they feel unheard they get louder and louder and louder to the point they are yelling at you to acknowledge them and listen. Perry taught me that I had to acknowledge, listen to, talk to, understand, forgive, hold and love every part of myself. I had to do that to this part of me to bring peace to myself, to my kids and our home. I remember now sitting on my bed, sobbing as I finally saw and accepted, forgave and sent love to this part of me. I felt a weight being lifted from me, finally I accepted the worst thing I could imagine about myself. I accepted I was like this and I knew now that I had acknowledged and accepted it that it would no longer play out in my life and for those closest to me, at that time it was the kids.
The difference.
From that moment, things started to change, I felt lighter in myself, I found a small piece of inner peace and had the tools to change myself and my life but most importantly the lives of my kids. It didn’t take long and I found I was coping better, I was getting as angry as I used to anymore, I was more gentler and loving to the kids, they stopped hitting into me as well. Things in our house were starting to improve. It was because I had finally accepting this part of me, a part of me that wanted to be acknowledged, heard and understood.
It has made a huge difference in our lives and our relationships with each other have only improved and gotten better as time continues to go on. This one thing made a huge impact on the dynamics of our household and those violent times are now the thing of the past for good.
The lesson.
I am forever grateful for Perry and his work. I have now got life skills and tools that I can use that actually work. Every time now I am faced with reactions from people that are uncomfortable and painful I know I have to look at myself to see what they are showing me about myself that I have not yet accepted. Little by little I am healing. Little by little I am loving myself more and more by accepting parts of me that I have been denying. I now know that when I judge others that I am judging myself because every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves and the louder and more challenging the situation or conflict with others is it is a sign we need to look within ourselves and see where we ourselves are like this other person. You will find the ones closest to us, our partners, our kids, our close family and friends are the ones that mirror us the most.
Robyn Lemsing
4th Februray 2018