Today I am feeling a bit emotional. I left work questioning myself, “What is wrong with me?”
I have been expecting some sort of contact from a guy I know and thinking that perhaps he will never contact me again. This started the questioning of myself. Which led to other similar thoughts of not being loveable, likeable, even loneliness.
I then thought I would ring a male friend just to have a chat, well he was busy and said he would call back in a half hour but didn’t. So the questioning continues. Thoughts that I used to be well liked when I was younger, now I do not feel a deep connection with many, and although I am friendly to everyone and seem well liked on the outside, these are not real connections, these are people I come across everyday, at work as part of my job or my every day life. I am happy, smiling, joking around, being polite and sure there are some laughs along the way and a lot of pleasantries.
I guess I am missing connection, today I feel lonely and on some level still reaching out and wanting others to fill that void. I know intellectually I am to fill my own void, to fill my own cup, to make myself happy, to be comfortable being on my own. For the most part of my life I am, it is only a day here and there that I feel like I feel today, wanting connection, wanted company, wanting some love, affection and attention.
Perhaps it is because I am tired, have had two very early starts this week and unable to get much sleep during the night, only to come home after work and nod off at every chance I get, it doesn’t help that it is hot and humid…lol..
So how to show love, affection and attention to myself…. do something I love to do, for me and for no other purpose than to nurture myself, to listen to myself and acknowledge my feelings and not try to stuff them down or avoid them but allow myself to feel them and honour them.
So I am here writing, I love to write and have just very recently signed up to a freelance writers course as one of my desires is to travel, write and take photos, be a travel writer, even write a book or two and immerse myself in the beauty of nature and take photos. It seems the direction of my photography is of close ups of flowers, leaves, and nature at its best, all the unusual lumps and bumps, all the unique beauty every where I look.
What will I do with this writing, I don’t know. Is this the style of writing I will eventually sell? I don’t know, as I feel it is more just a journal entry that anyone else would consider private and for self healing purposes. But then I think that what I write about could also help others on their journey too, with my jamb-lings and rawness, my vulnerability, they too can relate and can get insights for themselves or even have aha ha moments.
Who knows…
Maybe I am emotional because I am finally taking steps towards my dreams of writing that it scares me and at the same time feel overwhelmed. Bringing up all those feelings of “who am I”? Why would anybody read my stuff, no body even likes me, nobody listens now, so why would they read my work?
The first freelance writers module came out today and yes I am excited but fearful as well. Will I treat this like every other course and not complete it or if I do complete it, will I do anything with the information and skills I will learn like the many many courses done before this. All on different subjects of course. What will make this one different? It scares me too, as today I was thinking I really need to work on self discipline, consistent action and persistence to learn this new skill. Will I do it or will I use my creative ability to invent something to distract me from my dreams, to take me off course, to make me too busy to have the time to write and do what I love?
All these questions…
I know when I came home from work and lay on my bed to relax a little before getting up and getting something to eat that I thought of this course and then observed all the thoughts of things to do before I got to it. All the distractions, the thoughts of when I get this and that done then I can look at it. I am tired and need to rest and nurture myself, the stream of thoughts and procrastination was interesting to watch. And yes wanting to make a phone call and talk to someone was one of the things on my list I told myself I needed to do, another way to procrastinate.
A few days ago I attended a half day workshop on becoming a 48 hr author, I was very emotional that day too, the workshop was a taste and introduction to their retreat and the cost seemed so far out of reach. I needed to come up with $x amount deposit in 2 days, money I had no idea how or where I would find it, then all the self talk and justification. All the questioning that amount of money, listening to friends and their reaction to the amount in question. I decided to look into other ways, perhaps take a cheaper route. I know if I do apply myself and make a real effort to write the book, I will.
I have even had thought that nah.. I don’t want to write a book, I don’t want all that business stuff, speaking engagements, online courses, run retreats and be all over the internet. I just want to write, get paid, travel and do the things I love with the people I love, and have heaps of free time to do what I want.
I then noticed my thoughts go to some other training I have had. All that it is required is some self discipline and the wiliness to spend money without earning while I learn the skills, same with everything.
The price to pay is having the patience and perseverance as you learn the required skills to the point where you start making money, same will go here with writing. I am having to pay the price, until I refine my skills enough to be making consistent income, where I can then leave my job.
I left a MLM business because I saw my upline still working fulltime after 9 years, that is something I so not want to be doing. I don’t want to be doing leadership stuff, leading a team, doing FB lives every week, I don’t want to have to be tuning into daily training calls, on top of all the daily acitcity that is required, when your time is limited you don’t want to be doing all that. But I am starting to see that this is the small picture, that this is the price and there will be a time when you reach the tipping point and you can reduce the amount of work you do and reap the rewards. Put systmes in place so you can walk away, and it is your own business so you can structure it and design it to your liking. You don’t have to do what others are doing, you do need to build your skills and build your business yourself at fisrt then put in systmes to repalce you and your time in the buisness..
Even with writing, I have to build it, then there will be a point where I will want to walk away and reap the rewards. I plan to have investments that bring in passive income so I can walk away. This is the systems I am thinking of, also royalties from my photography and perhaps my books too. Who knows.
Maybe this is all small thinking and maybe I do want to lead, maybe I do want to take on leadership stuff, maybe I do want all that online attention (at the moment I see it as a lot of hard work) and being online is not something I enjoy doing. I do like being in the background, always have, and I thinking writing and photography suits my personality.
Even though the cost of the 48 hr retreat was expensive. Somehow I knew I would be able to pay for it. The required depsosit which can be paid off in four instalments and the balance of the deposit paid prior to the event with the remaining amount for the course to be paid within 12 months after the event. They hold your hand and help you with all aspects of writing your first book, teach you the skills and stratergies to get it done so you can apply these to your next books, they also help you publish and promote your book, layout etc, covers, you name it, they help you every step of the way which is what you need when you are starting out. I think I might still do it but save the money so I can go early next year. But then again I saw a testimonial from a lady who went through Aust writers centre and now has 3 books, with the help of them to do the reseearch etc, just depends. I think it is good advice to learn from someone who has done it beofre you.
I think for now doing the freelance writers course is a step in the right direction and a step closer towards my dream lifestyle. If only it gets me in contact with the right people. And who knows I may end up with enough work to leave my job. Just look at that young lady I met at orange sky (Jess). From doing this course she landed her dream job writing and moved to Tasmania living her dream.
I want to share with some people that I am doing this course but that is just for validation, for support, as for me it is a big deal at times when I think of it, and now as I sit here and just write it is not such a big deal after all. Just refining what I love to do and hopefully monetizing from it. I just hope my RSI can handle it.
There is always speaking it and getting transcribers. There are ways around everything.
I know I didn’t want to start anything new until had finished sorting out all the house, room by room, but as I read in Natasha’s “Shut up and write your book”, there is never a perfect time to start something, you just have to start and fit it in around everything else. Dedicate some time to this and still give the sorting some time too.
Getting organised is another tool to use. Set blocked time to dedicate to writing, set time for other things as well. This is where I seem to be not that strong. Because I know the kids and cats interrupt me all the time and I need to go off and do stuff when I had time blocked for other things.
I think that if I get routine hours at work I will be a bit more efficient with my time and be able to block time. With shifts all over the place I tend to be tired and sleep whenever I am not at work.
This year is about sorting, cleaning out stuff, sort finances, replacing old furniture and appliances, getting a few household items that I would like to have then save, debt reduction and holidays.
If I start to set up income streams on the side, such as photography and writing then hopefully it will all work out, hopefully I can free up some time to build other sources of income.
I do want investments to bring in the passive income though.
The first thing is to start, then let it organically grow with a plan in mind, being flexible and let it direct me in a sense, as I learn to listen and trust my intuition more and more. Learn to do things that I enjoy and get paid, building my confidence and not even telling any of my friends, just doing it so I don’t get any slack back from them. When I am doing it and earning some money, then they can go wow Robyn, I love your work. I knew you could do it.
That is one thing I love about writing, it is solo, same as photography, just me alone doing what I love, expressing myself.
I will learn the skill, the refining of writing, spelling, grammar, pitching, etc. I will learn organisation and will declutter my computers and work spaces, I will travel and sit in awesome locations writing, exploring, taking photos, interviewing people from all around the world. I will experience my own version of Eat, Pray, Love.
I am doing this and I am on the way.
I got to start by adding in things I enjoy doing bit by bit, then soon I will be doing it all and won’t seem like a huge change all at once.
l like writing, going out and taking photos, travel, yoga, meditation and exercise. Adding them bit by bit until they all become habits. It is all creating the life I want. And I can do it. Bit by bit, step by step.
Robyn Lemsing
25th March 2019