The other day I walked into my office where most of my business ideas, notes, plans etc are and in an instant I had a feeling, sensation, a voice tell me that non of it mattered anymore.
Sitting back today reflecting, it seems I have no need , no desire to try to build, to try to make things work, to change things. All these business ideas, just don’t matter any more.
Lately I have been reminded of the simple things in life and being satisfied with simple pleasure. I sit and think of how much effort and money I have put into striving for more, wanting more, chasing more, thinking that what I had was not enough, looking, searching, trying to create something else. I have kept myself busy that is for sure.
For as long as I can remember I was chasing freedom, financial freedom, time freedom but most of all the freedom to be me, to enjoy life, to do things I enjoy without having to turn any of it into income producing activities, to just be in the flow, to go with the flow.
The past week or so, I have felt some internal walls collapse although I am not sure which ones exactly, I have just experienced the tears, the feeling of things crumbling on the inside but not crumbling on the outside, just different perspectives. I have started going back to my old self that I left behind somewhere many many years ago, and recently have had that old self slowly re-emerge after conversations with an old friend. Remembering the person I used to be, remembering the things I used to enjoy.
Why did I complicate my life so much? Why did I change so much? Why did I keep myself so busy and still not get the results I was striving for? I put it down to a lack of skills, resources, time, not good enough, procrastination, lack of motivation, etc.
Always thinking I had to share myself with the word, I had to create a business, had to DO something, whether a business, online business, yoga, meditation, writing, blogs, a book, eft, healing, photography, you name it.
When all along I had it inside me that I wanted to do these because I wanted to, not because it had to produce an income.
Lately I have actually taken the time to relax, to lay in the hammock in the sun and relax, it has been so nice and I feel no desire to try and start something. Looking back it all didn’t seem to be in alignment with me anyway.
Right now things seem to be good, to be flowing, slowly but surely things are falling in to place and I am creating the life of my dreams, not complicated, simple, enjoying the activities I love out of enjoyment nothing more.
Where did I get the idea I had to turn my passions into an income?
I think it comes from the saying “do what you love, then you will never work a day in your life”
Well, you know right now I am realising I like my job, I like my life, it is getting better, I feel no need to try and change things or change myself, only change back to my old self with more wisdom, self love and awareness.
All I feel the need to do is to continue to clean up all the mess and busy-ness I have created, to remove all the unwanted and unnecessary things, to return my life back to the simple pleasures of life, to return back to me, to find myself again. Well to uncover/remember more of me.
I want to get back into shape, become a fitness freak but not too freakish it takes over my life, exercise, yoga, meditation, good healthy food, music, photography, write, journal, continue to sort finances out, relax, declutter, simplify, spiritual connection and personal development.
Interesting I gotta laugh at myself.
Afterthought – perhaps it was from the belief that I was underserving, that I created all that.
I am deserving of rest, of happiness, of fun, of good times, of love, of financial freedom, of freedom.
Maybe that is why I don’t feel the need to tie myself up with that anymore.
Robyn Lemsing
August 2019