Here I sit, the day after a three year relationship I was in has ended.
I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook a bit earlier and found a short video explaining the difference between attachment and love and I totally agree with what the monk was saying which was attachment is holding on tight to the other person, needing them and wanting them so you can feel some sort of fulfillment, whereas love is having a gentle hold with love and compassion and allowing things to flow. Attachment is wanting the other person to make you happy, love is wanting the other person to be happy.
It is not our job or responsibility to make anyone happy.
It is impossible to make anyone happy. Yeah sure there maybe short term happiness through acts of kindness but I am talking about real long lasting happiness that comes from within. Feeling fulfilled within ourselves where we do not need or desire anyone or anything to make us happy. It is not up to someone else to make us happy, it is not their job and it is very unfair to place that responsibility onto another. You are the only person that can make you happy. You and you alone. If you are not truly happy within yourself before entering a relationship then that relationship and the other person is not going to be able to fulfill that need in you.
During the past three years my partner often said he wants to make me happy, and often said he was not happy during times we could not have contact with each other for whatever reason. Many times during our relationship there were times we could not have contact with each other for up to five days sometimes. He would often say he could not cope without me even a day and was not happy and missed me so much. You may think this as sweet and at times I did too.
I knew that it was not up to him to make me happy, that was up to me and was my responsibility and I was happy within myself, the times where there was no contact I was fine then too, and was easily able to get on with my days and felt no different within myself. So when he said those things to me it would make me wonder and question myself “should I be feeling that way?” “should I have had missed him?” Sure I was happy to see him again but I was not a mess when I couldn’t. I was happy with or without him.
It reminds me of just recently when an old friend, someone I have known for a few years now but hadn’t had much contact with, was trying to persuade me that I would be better off with him than the person I was with, he knew I was in a relationship but wanted me to be in a relationship with him. I told him no and only wanted to friends and did not appreciate what is was saying or trying to do, that’s another story in itself, but what he kept saying to me was that he was not happy and he was lonely and that being with me would make him happy and that I would make him happy….. No way…. Red flags…. I told him what I have already told you here, that it is not up to me to make him happy, it is not my job and very unfair and a huge responsibility to place on me or another person to make him happy. Happiness comes from within and it is him and only him that can make him happy.
Any person or relationship would only bring him short term happiness and it would not be long before those old feelings of not being happy would arise then the other person would be blamed and made to feel guilty for making him unhappy and not fulfilling his needs.
To be truly happy and experience that deep down feeling of fulfillment, you have to learn to love yourself, to get to know yourself, the good, bad and the ugly parts of yourself. It is being in relationship with yourself, finding out everything about yourself, what you like, don’t like, what are your dreams, what are your fears, what makes you feel alive, your hobbies, your passions. What are your values and beliefs. It is spending time with yourself to get to know yourself and loving yourself with kindness and compassion as you would love another. It is being alone and feeling totally comfortable in your own company, being totally comfortable in your own skin, it about giving and receiving love to and from yourself as well. It is making time for you and what you want to do, learning to listen to yourself and honour yourself, which leads to trusting yourself and the decisions you make. This brings about a love of self, a love for life, it gives you self confidence, higher self worth and it will become clear what you will accept and what you won’t accept in your life. Your energy will be up and you will be vibrating at a much higher level and from this will be attracting into your life only people and situations that are in alignment with this higher vibration of love and happiness.
True happiness comes from within and the only way to obtain happiness is to go within and get to know and love ourselves.
I have read a few times when women have decided to stay single for a year, with no relationships, no dating, no casual encounters. Just being alone and taking that time to be in and develop loving relationships with themselves. I am all for this and will also be doing this myself for the coming year. Already being in relationship with another is a choice for me, I do not feel a need to be in a relationship anymore and am looking forward to spending the coming year or longer alone to focus on my own personal growth and to get a couple of other areas in my life back on track.
During the past ten years since separating from my first husband I did spend the first year or so alone, I was in no shape to be in another relationship. Since then I have been in and out a few relationships, some short, some long, even got married again (that was one of the short ones). I have been single for over a year at times, but back then I was looking to be in a relationship, I was at that place of thinking I needed one, as time went on and I spent more time alone getting to know myself that all changed and before I entered this last relationship I was at a place of more choice rather than need. I did not feel ready for a relationship, I would have liked more time being alone and being single, but there I was again in a relationship and committed to that and at the same time I was committed to my own personal growth, looking at the challenges within it as opportunities to learn and grow.
The purpose of all relationships is to learn and grow, I will be writing another blog about that topic soon, watch out for that one.
Today I feel fine, I know that I am going to be ok and that he is going to be ok too. The relationship had served its purpose and it was time to for it to end. It is natural and just allowing things to flow. There was no one to blame, no ones fault, it was just time to move on. No hard feelings only love and admiration and the realization our journey together was over.
I am still just as happy as I was yesterday, my life is richer for knowing him and spending some of my years with him. I will treasure the love, experience and lessons from being with him and in that relationship.
And by the way i no longer have contact with that friend I mentioned earlier. 🙂
Robyn Lemsing
4th Feburary 2018