My journey

21.1.11    Today I was made to realise that everything I did or intended to do was to inspire others or help others, maybe make it into a business opportunity. That I was to fill some very big shoes. Like simply saying I want to dance, made me think, I can’t do that, I’m not good enough, how am I supposed to do that? Then my partner at the time, said why is it you think you have to make it your career and be a professional dancer, why not do it for you. That made me think and yeah, I do seem to think that I am make some huge difference in people’s lives, I have a inner knowing I am do this and have been searching for ways to do this, nothing yet has fallen in place, so why can’t I dance because I want to for me, because I enjoy it and just feel like expressing myself that way in the comfort of my home or a simple dance class. Maybe this is how I inspire people, by just being myself, doing what brings me joy, being in the moment and by doing it, will encourage and inspire others just by my example and not necessary instruction. Wow, now that takes a bit of pressure off me, for such a long time I have had this pressure of finding a course, a modality, something in which I thought I could teach to others to make a difference in their world, well the past few days have seen this change completely. This has taken pressure off that I need to get my business working and earning more, a lot of pressure for me to perform and of course not feeling up to the task. Now if I get a part time job I can gain confidence in myself and my abilities and still run yoga classes if I wish, and then my yoga classes will be taught from the heart space and not my head space where earning money was important. I can use the job as the money earning and the yoga classes as extra and something I want to do, the income from it will be icing on the cake so to speak. Now that’s if I choose I want to hold yoga classes, maybe I just want to do yoga for myself. I was thinking that having a job and not having as much available time on my hands will certainly make me think of what is really important to me and what do I want to do, am I doing it because I want to and enjoy it, or am I doing it to somehow help and inspire others. I think the trick is it honour myself and do what I want. I was going to say what will bring me joy, but in fact joy is a choice. Honouring me will lift my spirits, not sure about this, I just know that I am to honour myself and all will flow easily and effortlessly. It’s not up me to save the world as I had thought I had too, by doing and teaching and healing, attempting to find something to fit me so I can make a difference in other peoples’ worlds, but the simple thing is I can now be selfish and honour myself and only do what I want. Make choices for me and this is how I make a difference. Now in head are thoughts of how much money I have spent on courses that I really didn’t want to do but thought, hey I could do that, that seems easy, I could make money doing that. Or thought that it is what’s needed out there, I believe this will change people’s lives so I will do that course and Bobs your uncle. But because it wasn’t something I really wanted to do, it never really went very far. The intention was on earning money and the expectations I put on myself to find something I could do to make a difference to others but I wasn’t thinking how it could make a difference for me and if I wanted to do it. Very interesting, I can sense some big changes coming in my life but still have old programmes running and it is unfamiliar territory. Change old ways of doing and seeing things, even to think that it is ok to do something just for me as most of my life has been driven by helping others, doing what pleases others or how to make money easily and enjoyable, attempting to find something that I liked doing so it wasn’t a job but a passion. They say find your passion and you will never work another day in your life, well here I am looking for that passion. Maybe if I just get a job and take all that pressure of making money then I can slowly discover myself and what my likes are, what I enjoy doing. I always felt self employment was the go, work your own hours, set your own fee, do what you enjoy, but you know what maybe a job can offer good income, flexible hours. Maybe I will find a job I will enjoy, and then won’t have to worry about all the in the background work that comes with self employment, all the hours extra training, networking, etc. Having a job where I can just go and do what I do then come home, relax and spend my free time doing what I like to do, no expectations, no pressure, relax.