I know what I am about to say may spark some criticism and some people may not agree with me and that is fine.
What I share are my thoughts, my observations and my opinions.
For a long time now I have been thinking about how different parenting styles can have an effect on how people behave as adults and when they are in intimate relationships.
Which led me to question Why do abusers abuse?
I often have had the opinion that it is in the why people are bought up.
Some parenting styles, the conventional ones like when our parents were growing up, it was common for children to be punished with fear tactics, guilt, manipulation and with physical abuse. Children got hit, got the belt, got the wooden spoon if they were out of line, if they did not do what the parent wanted them to do, if they spoke when the parents didn’t want them to speak. You name it, whenever the child did something that was not in the box of acceptable behaviour there was punishment. There was fear attached to all of the punishments, the fear was that, if you didn’t do as you were told you would be in trouble and it would hurt, there was fear, there was guilt, there was manipulation. It was all part of parenting. It was the norm. It was the acceptable way to parent your children.
It was a way to control the children, and to some it was a way of being respected. To have control over your children and have them do what you want somehow showed respect. To me it is not respect but shows a child obeying based on fear. Fear of punishment, whether it was verbal, mental, emotional or physical.
Methods of hitting, yelling, toys and privileges taken away because the child was not doing as it was told..
So is it any wonder that people growing up in this environment, that when they grow up and become adults and get into relationships and their partner isn’t doing as they would like, not behaving in a manner that they want, is doing things outside of the box of their approved behaviours and actions then they are going to punish their partner, they will hit (as they were when growing up), they will use fear tactics, yelling and making their partner fear them (as they were shown to do when they were growing up), they will take things away from them, friends, meaningful relationships with family members, time, freedom (just as they were shown to do when they were growing up). They will want to control their partner, just as they were shown was the method to get others to what you want them to do.
It is not just at home where these so called “normal methods” of discipling children is carried out, it is in the school systems too. It is society, teaching our kids that if others are not doing, saying or acting in ways we want them to or in ways we do not like and approve of, then it is ok to hit, yell, use fear, guilt, manipulation and take things away from the other person. It is normal, right??
In my opinion, NO, it is wrong….
We instead could be teaching our children how to accept others just as they are, teaching then better ways to communicate and resolve conflict, teaching them how to have mutual understanding of each others needs and feelings, and teaching our kids respect by first showing the children we respect them, their thoughts, their feelings and their needs just as much as our own, not that our needs and desires are only what matters.
When my kids were younger and I was struggling finding ways to parent that sat right with me, ways that showed I cared and respected my children as people too, and wanted to have a home that was centred around love, peace and harmony there were not much information out there that I could find that would help and guide me on my parenting journey. I would ring the parenting line and was told to do the normal parenting stuff such as punishment in some form and to do up reward charts and all the things that felt wrong to me, that made my stomach churn. I talked to other parents to get ideas of how they handled situations and again was faced with what was seen as the normal way to parent. The way we (me and my generation) were bought up.
I finally came across something called Non-Violent Communication (NVC). It is a method of communication that takes every bodies needs and feelings into consideration, yes even children, giving them a voice too and showing them we value them as people as well. It is about empowering others including children to make their own choices. It teaches us a method of Power-With rather than Power-Over.
Here are some of the many quotes By Marshall Rosenberg PhD, the founder of Non_violent Communication.
“Power-Over leads to punishment and violence. Power-With leads to compassion and understanding, and to learning motivated by reverence for life rather than fear, guilt, shame, or anger.”
“Punishment is the root of violence on our planet.”
“Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.”
“At the root of every tantrum and power struggle are unmet needs.”
“Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying the parent’s demands.”
“The punitive use of force tends to generate hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behaviour we are seeking.”
“NVC suggests behind every action, however ineffective, tragic, violent, or abhorrent to us, is an attempt to meet a need.”
“Violence results when people trick themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”
“Anger is a signal that you’re distracted by judgmental or punitive thinking, and that some precious need of yours is being ignored.”
Here are a couple of links where you can learn more about NVC, it certainly helped me with parenting my children and it was a method of parenting that felt right for me.
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com
I also come across a great Facebook page called Parenting Beyond Punishment.
I do believe that our upbringing plays a big part in our behaviours as adults. It has an impact on our values, on how we treat others, how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. Although I am not condoning the behaviour of abusers against their victims, I can see how these behaviours could have come to develop.
I know what I have said that some people may disagree with me and that is fine.
What I share are my thoughts, my observations and my opinions.
I would love to hear what you have to say about this.
Robyn Lemsing